I am a Christian man fully devoted to loving his wife as Christ loved the church – giving, serving, sacrificing, and completely committed to her best and highest good.
To read about The 72 Hour Club and that Christian women are realizing the legitimacy of their husband’s sexual needs, as well as the personal benefits of having a sexually-alive marriage is similar to hearing Handel’s Hallelujah chorus. You are encouraging women to reserve time, energy, and strength for their husbands in order to meet his God-originated and designed passion — there is hope. Please let me explain.
My wife and I were both 29 when we married, got pregnant on our honeymoon, and after only two months of marriage, I felt as if my status changed from married-to-single because my wife changed from wife-to-mom. A high-risk pregnancy, hospitalization and bedrest, and then a C-section guaranteed that the emotional and physical intimacy I had waited and deeply longed for would be put off a while longer. I did not realize that it would be twenty years of painful neglect, disregard, and loneliness.
Two wonderful children were entrusted to us to raise. While our kids were healthy and our marriage was acceptably good, our sex life never was – her focus and energy were always on the kids first. As I look back, I realize that I did not understand many things. Much of my sadness and depression for the last two decades (for which I sought counseling) are *directly* related to the lack of sexual intimacy in my marriage. Contrary to the stereotype, it is not just the actual sex that I wanted and needed; I wanted my wife to value what was important to me – this is more important than the actual sex. But because our kids were her first priority, I felt marginalized in almost every way. The deep, personal rejection I felt was brutal and sometimes, though unintentional, even cruel. I would have given almost anything to somehow gain my wife’s attention.
Having a genuinely understanding haven to come home to makes it worth it for everything we men have to put up with — the endlessly long hours, the traffic, the competition, the thankless tasks, the cut-throat tactics, the politics, the futility. But when the only person who can righteously meet our need for the one thing that can reset us – to help us to endure, to cope with life’s difficulty – tells us, “No”, it is devastating to a man. Like me, most men work hard, long hours at multiple jobs so the wife can stay home with the kids. I did most of the shopping, helped a lot around the house, and loved our boys. To deprive a spouse of legitimate needs and the rewards of their labor is a form of being unfaithful to the intent of the marriage vows (to love, honor, respect, protect, and care for each other).
It seems that most women’s life plans are: grow up, fall in love, get married, and have children. Most women realize their plans and are fulfilled. In contrast, men’s life plans are usually more vocationally-oriented, so when they grow up, fall in love, get married, and have kids, they are not yet fulfilled as the women are. In fact, when the man continues to have sexual needs to help cope, the woman seems to say, “Stop bothering me! I’m tired! I am fulfilled and happy and life is great. Quit making demands on me! That’s all you want!”
Q: If a wife refuses to acknowledge and meet her husband’s God-designed need, what is a man to do?
A: Personally, I began to slowly die inside. I had to practically beg for sex and the accompanying emotional intimacy that I, and most men, crave. I then lived in forced, lonely celibacy, emotionally and physically. She did not value my needs or the expression of those needs. What are the options? An affair? Prostitutes? Demand and force myself on her? None of these are options. She is the only one who could righteously meet the need.
Please hear my aching, hurting, “castrated” heart: the issue of sex in a marriage is God’s design and the importance of it to a man is huge. While some women may view “giving” sex to their husbands occasionally as a reward for good behavior, please consider: “He will teach her to love him with her body; she will teach him to love her with his soul.” Both partners have their part to give, and both are equally important and legitimate.
It is in their best interest for wives to understand that a commitment like the 72 Hour Club protects their marriages. If a woman doesn’t have time and energy for her husband, her most important relationship on Earth, even before the kids, then her priorities simply must change. Women are the crown of all God’s creation and have tremendous power and influence. I believe there are few areas that a woman can build her marriage and her husband like the bedroom. Her man is his most vulnerable there.
My wife recently died from cancer. I was her primary care-giver throughout the entire five years of her illness, taking time off from work to care for her, at the end up to twenty hours each day. I loved her. Since then, I have had a lot of time to think about my 20-year marriage, life, and now life without her. It was a whole lot of giving and, sadly, not much receiving. The 72 Hour Club helps restore my faith in relationships and gives me hope for women.
– B. McCallister
Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s, The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
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