we all know God is in the business of redemption and so,
it is only fitting to just go ahead and put the truth right out there.
i’m a wretched person at the very core of my humanness. i’m sinful, selfish, proud and downright ugly. i’m worthy of an eternity of punishment and pain. i’m quite literally a dead woman walking.
i write with conviction because i know these statements are not just common Christian rhetoric used to compare my physical sinful existence to the perfect glory of God. these things once defined me, and these are the lies i wake up and battle each day; sometimes with myself, sometimes with those i love.
my past is nothing compared to some, but it’s the hell i escaped by the Grace and love of Jesus. the road i blindly stumbled along was as long and luring as the one Saul found as he set his sights on Damascus. in the heat of my own purely blasphemous “high-point” i, too, found myself face to face with the Man who sought me out of a sea of sinners and stopped me with nothing but a benevolent whisper.
you see, i indulged in my ignorance of Christianity. i taunted believers, boasted of science, meditated to the universe and could read a tarot spread that would make your mind swirl. i delighted in my knowledge of natural medicine, organic food, and BPA free everything. i found power in joining worldly causes, and comparing the tangible to the unseen with a smug undertone. i was fueled by fear and powered by pride, and it was a dangerous combination that nearly lost me my son.
when Eli was a mere plus sign on a plastic stick, my first thought was to sweep the “situation” under the rug. i was fresh from a past relationship, moving quickly into a new one, unmarried, unhappy, and out of control. the choice to terminate was no more safe or empowering for me than would be the choice to seek the single bullet in a roulette game. not all choices are good, especially when your mind is drowning in darkness.
once i decided that he would be brought into the world, i had to wonder why on earth i was taking this leap and ready to face the consequences of my actions. this wasn’t like me at all. i wasn’t a conqueror. i didn’t like challenges. i liked to have fun and run away when things got tough. but this decision to follow through, and trust that the sign on that test was proof of active life.. this perplexed me.
so i considered God, once again, thanks to the nudge from my best friend. it was a few messy months of bible study, questioning and crying my eyes out before i spoke to the Man i claimed i hated only weeks before. in a fit of desperation and hope i looked up to the ceiling of the church i was attending and said “are you sure you want to save this one?”
Jesus met me where i was, right then; 25 weeks pregnant, scared out of my mind and starving for truth. upon deciding to go through with my pregnancy i lost some “friends” and some deep connections to family, and was beginning to think my life would be lacking moving forward. instead, i was filled to the brim and made aware of why i was so full of anger in the first place.
being an atheist did a lot for me…. until i needed answers. i thought i knew it all until i was face-to-face with the miracle of life as well as the challenge to outwardly convey that my belief system was right and just enough to enable me to take control of a new life. from here, i began to apply that thought process to everything else and just like Saul, the scales began to fall..
now, i find myself wrestling to overcome the lies the wicked one has planted in my mind. he lost me, and now he is at the mercy of a God who not only loves me for who and what i was, but is big enough to use that for something amazing. it was my life, and my sin, but it will be used for something bigger.
i plan to devote my life to serving His Kingdom in the areas of creative ministry, communications, women’s ministry, and evangelism. i want to speak about my time in the dark, and how that place exists in all of our lives somewhere. i want to reach out to atheists and just drench them in goodness, holding tight to the prayer that their minds could be renewed as well. i hope to serve churches as they grow their outreach, and i hold a big dream of being published.
most intimately and painfully desired is for the opportunity to hold a young woman’s hand as she prays the sinner’s prayer, then speak to her about Jesus and tell her (probably for the very first time in her life), that there is a Heaven waiting for her and she has no reason to be afraid anymore.
this is some of my story, and it will all be used for His Glory.
© 2013 – 2019, Kristin Cho. All rights reserved. Love it? Please share, pin, tweet or email but do not use my work without permission.