While some ladies struggle to conceive their first baby, other women can’t seem to begin a second pregnancy. I, apparently, am in the later crowd. Really, I know in my head that being in that crowd makes me blessed. I have a beautiful healthy four year old boy. Still just like many women who deal with secondary infertility, I get confused over how I am supposed to feel and worried over how others will react. I feel that some will laugh and tell me that I’m not really having infertility because I have already had one child. I feel that some will give me a hard time saying that a year and a half isn’t long enough to be considered an infertility veteran. I also feel that others with infertility won’t understand, because I have a child and don’t appear satisfied. But what I do know is how I feel.
I feel scared when I walk into the OBGYN and have to tell the lady at the counter that I’m there for my infertility consult.
I feel sad when my son asks me for a baby brother or sister to play with.
I feel jealous when I see all the ladies around me having babies. I try not to feel that way, but inside I hurt.
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It would be much easier to keep my mouth shut and keep this to myself. It would be much simpler to just go see the doctor, get checked out, and then if it helps, hide that it ever happened. I could just move on with my life and ignore this whole incident. However, the reason I will not remain quiet is because I know I’m not the only one.
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I’m not the only one who has felt hurt over trying for a year and a half and not getting pregnant.
I’m not the only one who has missed their period and gotten excited, only to have it show up two weeks later in all its fury.
I’m not the only one who has experienced every symptom of early pregnancy throughout an entire year’s time, just to discover that I was wrong . . . again.
I’m not the only one who has tried test after test after test only to chuck them in the trashcan and make sure they are hidden so my husband doesn’t realize how many times I’ve checked.
I’m not the only one.
You are not the only one.
You aren’t alone and your struggles are shared by other women. The more that we hide our pain, our hurt, and our little hints of shame, we hide who we are from the world. Someone else you know has dealt with infertility before. Someone else you know may be dealing with it right now. Someone else you know may need someone else in her life to come alongside of her and walk with her through this and for that matter so do you. God didn’t intend for us to walk through hard times alone.
God uses people to minister and love people.
Supported by friends or not, we still scream to the heavens, “WHY!!!!!!!” Honestly, we don’t always get an explanation of why. I will not lie you and tell you that it is easy to be patient. I am not about to tell you that I expect us all to sit around and have perfect faith, trust, and peace and we’ll all live together in a perfect little world. Actually, it’s not a perfect world. We don’t have perfect bodies. We don’t have perfect food or medicine. Still through this, I will remain firm that I serve a perfect God who is good. I don’t understand. I can’t say that I’m not angry at times, but I will not defame God as a result. My infertility does not change the character of the unchanging God.
My God who was good, is good, and will forever more be good wants to comfort us when we mourn.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too (1 Corinthians 1:3-5 ESV)
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4)
God doesn’t always give us the answers we want, but He promises to give us the love and comfort that we need. Will we trust Him? Will we share with Him our struggles and allow Him to use us to touch other’s lives around us who are also struggling? It is time we stopped hiding our hurt and allow God to use even our pain to his glory. I believe that only He can. My pain in his hands . . . maybe it will be beautiful. Maybe He’ll use it to change lives.
Maybe He’ll use it to change me.
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