He doesn’t understand me!!
I can’t believe he said that to me!!
If only he would just listen to me!!
Do you find that the more you sit and stew over the conversation, if you can even call it that, the more you sense your inner frustration cooking up assumptions about what he meant by his statements. When we are angry it is easy to draw assumptions. Without even realizing it our assumptions can then become a given scenario that we end up basing our entire argument from.
I can’t believe he doesn’t realize how hurtful his words were!
I can’t believe he would say such a thing to me… I am his wife! Why would he be so cruel to me?
Doesn’t he realize that by saying that it made me feel this…?
The problem with assuming is just that, it is an assumption, a theory, it is without proof, and it is bad for your marriage!
What ends up happening so often is we draw assumptions, with out necessarily realizing it, and then we allow time to pass. It could be minutes, hours or sometimes even days before we get around to discussing the issue again. We may have even convinced ourselves that we are “over it” and “everything is fine” but the reality is we are far from over it and things are far from fine because we have let an argument go unsettled therefore leaving it to fester and grow.
Assumptions coupled with time are a bad combo! Especially for your marriage! And here’s why. Depending on how much time you have allowed to pass all of a sudden the lines between what you have assumed to be true and what is actually true becomes blurred. By the time you get around to hashing it out with your spouse your assumptions become a foundational part of your argument. The hurt you feel has increased because not only did he say the words he said, but he also had all this hidden meaning packed into it… at least from where you stand anyway.
Most often men don’t really pack a whole lot of hidden meaning into their statements. Men tend to be more direct, and less emotional – they say what they mean, often to a fault, and they mean what they say. They may also draw assumptions out of what you have said to them, which gets them on the defense making them blurt out blunt statements they wouldn’t ordinarily say. (It’s a vicious cycle…)
Regardless of who threw the first punch, anytime assumptions are drawn it is a bad thing for your marriage.
This is one of the many reasons why communication is so important in a marriage and why, as I mentioned in a recent post 3 Keys to a Junk Free Marriage, it is essential that you not let the “sun go down on your anger.”
We all say things we don’t mean at some point, which is why it’s so important to talk about it sooner than later to avoid more undue hurt and assumptions from creeping their way in. Take a minute away from the argument if you need one, but jump right in as soon as you feel you are ready to listen.
Ask yourself, Is what I think he meant by what he said consistent with the foundation of love we have established in our marriage? If not, then ask the Lord to help you resist the urge to conclude anything until you sit down and have a conversation with your husband. Give him the benefit of the doubt. The more you can dodge the urge to assume anything, seek the Lord, and sit down with your husband with open ears and an open heart the better off your relationship will be. Remember, he loves you and you love him, period.
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