Dear Danielle…It isn’t that I don’t want a hot & spicy sex life in my marriage, I just find that I’m so exhausted at the end of the day and sex is the last thing on my mind. What can I do?
You have introduced us to the #1 enemy of a hot & spicy sex life…weariness. Particularly for women. The demands on a wife are numerous with husband, kids, career, home, ministry work, friendships, appointments, errands, ETC., ETC. We are on the move from the moment our feet hit the floor and when we are finally laying those feet back under the covers, we are spent.
Today, I’m going to offer you some of the things I do to combat the weariness so I am ready to connect with my husband. Sometimes I give you what the experts say, but today, I’ll be playing “expert”.
I am a stay-at-home Mom of three young boys, ages 4, 3, and 14 months. I am also 6 months pregnant and it is July. Tying my shoes can make me weary these days. I love to entertain friends, constantly have a painting/sewing/organization project underway in my home, read 2-3 books at a time, lead a woman’s bible study, and am an aspiring entrepreneur with a recent inspiration that has me doing market research in my down time :-). After already full days that are punctuated with the insane “dinner time – bath time – bed time” run, my husband and I often hit our bed face down, begging for bedtime ourselves. Then we remember that the kitchen is still a mess, he needs to pay bills and there are two 125 lbs. Newfoundlands waiting downstairs who would love a walk…or even just some fresh water and attention.
What to do when you are too pooped to whoop?
- Set a schedule. Sounds sexy right? Ha, no…but it works. I once read something (and I can’t remember where) that men can struggle more with sexual temptation and lustful inclinations when they’ve gone 3 days or more without physical intimacy with their wives. This is where I came up with my “3 Day Rule”. I began to keep track of how many days had passed between our last sexual encounter. It helped to take our sex life from mild to wild, and now I don’t find I have to keep track as closely. Hey, in today’s world, our men are bombarded by sex in advertising & TV, and set in front of cleavage barring, show-as-much-skin-as-you’d-like women in the workplace and the neighborhood grocery store. It can be like sending a hungry bear out into a garbage dump; why not keep his tummy full right here at home. For you, this could be a weekly date night, but make it regularly…and monthly ain’t gonna cut it.
- Store up some energy. Once I know that “tonight’s the night”, I try to prepare myself by not running myself down to empty. This might mean trying for a more relaxed day at home with the boys, skipping some of the labor intensive chores like toting laundry up and down 2 flights of stairs, and taking a nap when the kids do to recharge. A big one for me…ICED COFFEE. I brew a little extra in the morning and find that post-nap, it provides just the pick-me-up to push through the evening events and still have a little extra steam for my husband. Your husband can help with this too. Why not have Daddy stop for some take out and bring dinner home to save on some of the evening chaos? Or maybe he can treat you to an iced coffee from your favorite coffeehouse…oooh, that would work for me!!
- Build up anticipation…for you and for him. Again, since I usually have some idea that there is some hanky panky in store for the day, I try to have fun with my husband to build up the anticipation. Maybe a little hint in an email as to how much I’m looking forward to seeing him. Or if you’re feeling risky and frisky, a text to his phone with a little photo. I always fear him losing his phone or letting a friend make a call, so I keep them somewhat modest, but you’d be surprised how little skin your man needs to see to get the point. (Disclaimer: Not recommended if you are in Congress or if you often dial the wrong number.)
- Shift gears. It can be hard to go from Mommy to Hot Mama. Try to figure out what helps you downshift your gears so you can rev his engine. For me, this is often a shower or bath before bed. I save my favorite scented and more pricey lotions & potions for this time of the day. Sometimes, we start the downshifting a bit earlier in the evening with a family drive as the sun sets over the rolling hills near our home. Or Daddy will offer to do bathtime duty while I unwind in the quiet bedroom (or semi-quiet, as our only full bath is right next to our room) with some music playing and a book. The sound of wound up, dirty kids getting gracefully handled and washed by Daddy can be such a turn on!
- Set the mood. My new favorite thing is the Pandora station that will stream through the Roku box on our TV in our bedroom. Too technical there? Basically it plays the music of artists I preselect and others like them. I’ve started a new station for us called “Lovin'”. Better than shagging to the 11 o’clock news, right? Add some candles on the nightstand or at least pick up the clutter and create a restful love nest.
- In the end, give it a go. Some days, I can do all of these things and still just not be feeling it. Let’s face it, sometimes it is not just weariness that combats our limbido, but hormones or stress or sickness. Usually, a good and regularly satisfied husband isn’t going to be too concerned with a pass for the night, but be careful how you let him down. You’d be surprise how sensitive guys can be to rejection in this department. And, sometimes even though I might not be feeling it quite yet (and my husband can sense it), I playfully say “Convince me” and give it a go. I find he’s pretty persuasive and the feeling of closeness and connection is well worth it. It may even subside that weariness, stress and sickness.
What are your tricks for keeping some fuel in the tank to spark some good lovin’ in your marriage?
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