My favorite part about teaching the Marriage Preparation class at our church is getting to meet new couples. The one thing we always feel with the couples is how “green” they are, particularly the ones entering into a first marriage. They feel like “new recruits” a bit naive to what awaits them, not realizing that they are about to enter into a war. I don’t mean to say that marriage is a “war”, but in today’s world and really over the history of humankind since Adam & Eve, the institution of marriage is what is under attack.
Couples are often busy preparing for a wedding instead of a marriage and we see it as our duty to catch their attention and focus them on some of the realities of marriage by providing a biblical foundation, helping them evaluate their relationship, and giving them some wisdom regarding expectations, communication, finances and intimacy. Most of all, we hope to start some conversations between the two lovebirds that may cause some uncomfortableness and conflict now, but could save them from even harder struggles in the future. We aren’t easy on them, but neither is life.
The first topic presented in the class using the book from FamilyLife called Preparing for Marriage is “Why Marriage?” and before any information is presented, the couples are asked to fill out and discuss two very in-depth questionnaires, one about their personal history and one about expectations. Oh how I wish that my husband and I had hashed out some of these discussions in our pre-marital class!
- Understanding Your Personal History – One of the best benefits of marriage is the experience of really knowing someone and having them know you, but this kind of openness is not usually a part of dating or even engagement. Even if you aren’t trying to conceal your background from each other, you probably have not adequately examined your past influences and how they could affect your future relationship. Areas to discuss include past dating relationships, family relationships, home environment, your spiritual journey as well as other topics like handling finances, medical history, biggest successes and disappointments in life.
Dave and I dated for 4 years before we were married in June of 2004. I thought I knew him better than anyone else, and quite likely I did, but that didn’t mean I knew him as well as I should. There were things Dave concealed from me in our dating years in order to sustain our relationship. I’ve often wondered if put under the “heat” of a marriage preparation class like this, if we both would have been more open, understanding that it would help us build a strong foundation. As the waves of stresses and pressures of life slammed into our marriage and unearthed some of these buried issues, it really rocked and almost completely crumbled our marriage and forced us to start over and rebuild.
- Great Expecations – One of the greatest causes of disappointment and disillusionment in marriage is undiscovered or undisclosed expectations. Each person enters a marriage with a mental picture of what things will look like, and when they don’t (which they won’t), it can create a lot of heartache. Our expecatations of marriage will span all categories including decision-making, finances, home life, social life, household responsibilities, spirituality, holidays, family and sex.
My mental image of marriage as we walked down the aisle was that things would be much the same, except better. I planned to continue on my driven path of completing life’s checklist. Marriage…check! Next was my MBA, my career, then babies and all that down the road. My expectation was that Dave would be as willing and supportive as he’d always been of my dreams. However, none of this took into account his expectations which were more undiscovered than undisclosed. While some expectations were identified, discussed and resolved beforehand, many are only to be found once inside a marriage, and instead of dealing with them properly, they caused a lot of disillusionment in our first two years.
- Why Marriage? – Amazing how asking such a simple question of a couple can give such insight into how much they really understand about the commitment they are about to make. Common answers fall under categories like personal fulfillment (“I’ll have joy & happiness until death do us part”), companionship (“I can’t be alone the rest of my life”), sexual fulfillent (“I can get sex anytime I want without guilt”), and social acceptance (“My family and friends expect us to”). What is common amongst these common answers? They are all about meeting YOUR needs, and marriage is designed to be much more than that. The book asks couples to seriously examine what is motivating them towards marriage and evaluate it against the Truth of God’s purposes. God’s purposes include mutually completing one another, multiplying a Godly legacy through children, and mirroring God’s image – His love, His forgiveness, His longsuffering commitment.
I was not at all in tune with God’s purposes for marriage as I planned our wedding. We’d been living together for several months after both being laid off from our jobs. It just seemed like the “next step” for us. I knew I loved Dave and our families were eager to see us married. No one ever asked us this poignent question during our engagement. I’m quite sure I wouldn’t have had a good answer. As I’ve come to understand God’s design and purpose for marriage, I understand what a great calling it is, far more important than getting our needs met. We have a unique mission that we can only accomplish together and we portray an amazing God who will help us get there.
Did you know what you were getting into when you got married?
What are your answers as you reflect these three areas?
What were some helpful things you learned in your premarital class?
Share your thoughts here and come back next week for Lesson #2 as we go {Back to School} on marriage!
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