Basically, this list was inspired by a long time friend who has her wedding planned for late this summer, and her request for some wisdom as she prepares for marriage. After 8 rounds of teaching Marriage Prep classes with my husband, I’ve spent a lot of time seeking and speaking wisdom for couples headed into marriage. Wisdom I wished I heeded more myself as a bride.

These are just tidbits, but hopefully they get you thinking if you are headed down the aisle anytime soon.

1 thru 3. Visit {Part 1} of this series.

4. Learn how to fight

Yep. You read it right. Marriage is a lifelong lesson in learning how to fight. How to fight fairly. How to conduct yourself in an argument where the outcome becomes not to “win”, but to gain a better understanding of your beloved and their point of view, and with the benefit of your relationship as your foremost concern. You may think “winning” a fight means that you “proved your point” or “got your way”, but if that leaves your spouse feeling unheard, unconsidered, unloved…well then, you really lost.

If you’ve experience a blissfully courtship with your fiancé with very little disagreements, this can actually be a hinderance in getting to a healthy marriage. Remember these three key things, (1) You will have conflict, (2) It is totally normal and does not mean you married the wrong person, and (3) If you haven’t had any conflict recently, question whether you are being real with each other. No conflict is just as (if not more) unhealthy as bad conflict within a marriage.

 

5. Aim to be one.

Here comes another cultural unpopular tidbit, but if you want a marriage different from what culture is producing, you got to be willing to do things they aren’t doing.

“…they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Matthew 19:6

That was Jesus reiterating the same concept laid out in Genesis with the creation of man and marriage. Get married, become one. It is one thing to know that is how it is meant to be, and another thing to actually achieve it.

Honestly, I totally sucked in this area of our marriage early on. The stubbornly independent, don’t-need-no-man girl thought that oneness us sharing our last name, our address and our closet.

Marriage isn’t a partnership. It is an incorporation. Two people become an entity of one.

Achieving oneness is a lifelong journey. I’m just starting to understand the peace, security, wholeness that is provided in it. But if you want to start that journey, here are some first steps…

One name.

One home.

One vision.

One calendar.

One bank account.

One social circle.

One hobby. (Not saying you can’t have others, but have one together too!)

You get the idea.

 

6. Sex, Money, Kids

These are the three areas that will lead to the most disagreements within a marriage. Ward those off by talking about these three topics – often.

This is good advice for even the married couples out there. When is the last time you discussed these three topics with your spouse (a recent fight doesn’t count as a discussion :-))? Do you know how satisfied they are with your sex life? Do you have a share vision for how you are handling your finances? Are you talking about how you want to address situations with raising kids?

7. Your marriage is either growing or its dying.

There is no status quo. No coasting through. No skating by.

You are either working to make your marriage better. Or it is decaying from neglect.

Which pretty much means you always need to be working on it. Marriage is work. A lot of work.

It doesn’t have to be the kind of work that is a drudgery. Think of the work to maintain a garden. If you are regularly tending it, then the maintenance is a nice walk through the rows, pulling a weed here, pruning a vine there. But, let it go a while unattended…then the work is a bit more of a chore.

Time together. Interesting chats. New adventures.

Marriage classes. Dinners with a mentor couple. Exploring the Bible.

Talking out that stinging comment from last night. Apologizing. Forgiving.

These are the things that weed, water and fertilize a marriage. Do them regularly and your marriage will be alive.

My passion for engaged and newly married couples stems from my own failure during those stages myself. I hope these tidbits of wisdom, gleaned from my own mistakes, will help my friend as she enters into marriage. May it help you too.

Visit {Part 1} of this series.

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