Lesson #2: Make a Good Decision

There is nothing quite like “love” to throw good decision making out the window.  Yet, it is from the gushy, mind-soggy, fog-filled place that most couples make the important decision to marry.  One of the next major initiatives we have in teaching the Marriage Preparation class is to help couples cut through some of the powerful emotions and romantic whirlwind they are experiencing and ensure they are truly evaluating their relationship and making a wise decision to marry.

This can often be hard when we get couples who are just a few short weeks or months from a wedding and deep into non-refundable deposits and invitation orders to really evaluate their relationship.  A big piece of advice if you are dating…take a wedding preparation class early on, maybe even before engagement, when you start to think seriously about marriage.

• EVALUATING COMPATIBILITY – One thing to consider when a couple evaluates their relationship is compatibility – the way your two personalities mesh.  Many couples in premarital classes or counseling will likely do some sort of personality or temperament survey.  If you never had the chance to do one of these before you were married, I suggest you do one as a couple now.  What a great conversation starter for a date night!  Do a quick web search for a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or here is a easy one from Gary Smalley where you’ll be categorized as a lion, otter, golden retriever or beaver.

One big thing to point out here is that differences in personality don’t equal incompatibility.  Every personality and temperament tests that my husband and I have ever taken has proven one thing…we are practically opposites!  I am an otter married to a beaver.  Seems somewhat close in the animal world, but remember…they are two totally different species!  What I’ve found that taking and discussing these tests do is they (1) identify ways that you balance each other, (2) show you the positive strengths of your partner’s personality type so you don’t focus on the differences, and (3) bring to the surface the differences that might cause friction and conflict so you can discuss these areas and learn to work through them together.  A worthwhile exercise at any stage of a relationship!

• SEEING THROUGH THE FOG – There are many things that can fog up a couples view of their relationship.  We often find these hard to address in the classroom setting and the amount of time that we have to interact with couples.  Not to mention, they are usually so foggy with love, they don’t even SEE the fog itself!  If there is any point of our classes where I want to throw a bucket of cold water on the faces of some couples, this is the spot.  Why?  Because I can see now where Dave and I were in a fog ourselves.  I think EVERY couple in these early stages of a relationship isn’t seeing clearly due to one reason or another.  They aren’t necessarily “call-off-the-wedding” type issues, but left unseen and unaddressed, they can leave a big gap in making a good decision.
• Idealistic Thinking – Everything seems wonderful and you have a difficult time discerning any faults in this person.
• Loneliness – You’re just plain tired of being alone and watching all your friends marry.
• Sexual Involvement – My guess (because they are so reluctant to reveal this) is that the majority of couples in our class are sexual involved.  It is, in my opinion, the most underestimated and yet detrimental fog producers of the bunch…and I have the personal testimony to back that up.
• Spiritual Immaturity – No sense of how God may be leading in the relationship because you don’t know how to discern His voice.
• Wedding Preparations – The thought of canceling or postponing the wedding feels unthinkable even if you have developed doubts.
• Fear of Failure – Perhaps your parents’ divorce or seeing other marriage end have you fearful that you can make a marriage work.
• Fear of Commitment – You feel a deep, profound, grave sense of dread at the thought of a lifelong commitment.

 

• UNDERSTANDING GOD’S WILL – Instead of being motivated by strong emotion or even rational thinking, the best decision for marriage will be made by seeking God’s will for your relationship.  Important aspects of discerning God’s will include your relationship with Jesus Christ, time spent in God’s word, prayer, Godly counsel and learning to heed the leading of the Holy Spirit.  This isn’t easy for mature Christians, and when Dave and I were engaged, we were mere baby Christians and certainly didn’t seek God’s will the way we hope the couples in our classes will now.

My word to a married person who reads this and thinks “Yikes!  I don’t think we are compatible.  We sure did have a lot of fog producers in our relationship when we decided to get married.  What if this wasn’t God’s will for me?”  I will admit, I have had similar reactions as I’ve educated myself about marriage and reflected on my own.  This is what God has shown me…God’s will is for you to have a healthy, thriving, growing, mutually beneficial marriage RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, no matter how you got there.  Once you took the step of committing yourself in marriage to another, God is for THAT marriage.  Instead of using these {back to school} fundamentals to doubt your decision, use them to seek God’s will for you now, to reflect and repent, if necessary, to mistakes you made and to move forward in faith that God’s best for you is available in your marriage.

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