This is the 3rd post in a series on “The 72 Hour Club”, a commitment to making sexual intimacy in your marriage a priority by engaging in sex or other physical intimacy with your spouse at least once every 72 hours. If you want to learn more about “The 72 Hour Club”, head back to my original post here.
This is one of those posts I didn’t plan to write. In fact, as I sit here with fingers on a keypad, I still don’t feel qualified to address this question, but I’ve felt the call to share what I can because I know this problem is out there, and it is killing marriages.
There were two of my gal friends who participated in my experimental club who mentioned this as major obstacle for them. Then, there were comments on my original post of ladies whose marriages also struggled with the lack of desire, but from their husbands. I couldn’t ignore this topic, so here is my disclaimer. I am not a counselor, a psychologist or psychiatrist. I have no formal training, just a deep passion to see strong marriages under God’s design, and my hope is that my words here will come from always-capable Him, and not underqualified me.
- Don’t ignore the problem. Don’t resign yourself to be content with a marriage where you act more as roommates. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can still have a good marriage without the existence of sexual intimacy. I believe the areas of intimacy are all connected (sexual, emotional, spiritual), so a vacancy in your sexual intimacy will soon begin to erode other areas of your relationship. To borrow some of the words readers shared…
“I have had little to no desire for YEARS.”
“My husband has no real interest for me that way and its killing me!”
“This lack of marital intimacy that is designed by God was critical for us…and it was destroying other areas for us as well.”
“I am now at the point where I am not very interested either – it’s too emotionally damaging and frustrating.”
- Know God’s desire is for you to share this oneness. I wholeheartedly believe that God’s desire for us is to enjoy sex as a married couple. It is why He created it, to bless us, to partner with us in creation, to protect us from Satan’s temptations, to mirror the deep intimacy He desires with us – the unashamed giving of one’s self, in our most divine earthly relationship.
“The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:1-5
- Seek out God’s best for your marriage. Take action for your own healing. If you recognize your own lack of desire as a problem and know that this is not God’s intentions for you or your marriage, than that should be motivation enough to seek out help.
- Is this a physical issue? Perhaps you need to seek out medical advice. I experienced a low libido early in our marriage that deeply wounded my eager, newly wedded husband, and I am quite convinced it was related to the birth control I was taking at the time.
Is this an emotional issue? Have you built emotional walls with harbored resentments or unforgiveness that makes sexual intimacy with your spouse difficult? Are their deeper emotional wounds caused by abuse or sexual sin? One reader shared this tidbit along with her husband’s struggle with years of pornography, “Research shows our brains actually change when we regularly watch pornography, and stimulation becomes practically impossible from normal human intimacy, though in time that can change back.”
- Is this a spiritual issue? Have you been left in spiritual bondage from past sexual relationships? Neil Anderson & Charles Mylander wrote in their book, The Christ Centered Marriage, “If people have had ‘unholy’ sex, they don’t seem to enjoy ‘holy’ sex.” They’ve help thousands of people break the bondages that come from sex outside of God’s will. The book outlines steps to freedom in Christ, and I can tell you from the experience in my own marriage, that these steps can provide deep healing and immediate changes in the desire for your spouse.
- Stand fast in God’s ability to redeem your marriage. You may not be the one with a lack of desire. You may be the one who is being wounded by your spouse’s lack of desire. Stand fast in the truth that God can redeem your marriage. One reader shared a beautiful testimony of waiting through 12 years of no sexual desire from her husband. After medical checks, counseling, a focus on her own personal healing and many, many prayers, she has seen God’s redeeming power.
“I can truly say that what we have now is even better than when we first got married…a deeper more mature intimacy that comes from honoring God & putting each other first. Sex has been amazing…Our God is a good God and He gave my husband & I a great gift of redeeming our marriage in His honor. When I thought there was no hope…I prayed harder, longer, stronger… Dive into the word, remain prayerful, be thoughtful about whom you share with to support you emotionally & spiritually…God can move mountains…when both spouses are open to genuine authentic change you can move forward together.”
Sometimes we need a place we can go to know we aren’t alone in these struggles, and as we launch a new FancyLittleThings site on December 1st, we will have a connecting place for “The 72 Hour Club”. Stay tuned for more information. Thank you to all the readers who’ve commented…to take the challenge or to share their struggles. Thank you also to those who replied back to share their testimonies and provided hope to others.
Updated on 10/24: This post went up yesterday by a new friend & fellow marriage enthusiast, Shelia Wray Gregoire. She wonderfully talks about what to do in your marriage when their is a difference in sex drives between you & your spouse. This is the third of a series of post called “Do Not Deprive” which digs into 1 Corinthians 7:5. Totally recommend it for further reading if you are struggles with this sexual gap in your marriage. http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/10/wifey-wednesday-do-not-deprive-roundup/
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