it is simply unavoidable.

the fact is, the children will talk about wanting a new brother or sister or a new dad every single week. it’s just how we roll around here.

oh to be a fly on the wall at some of our dinner conversations…  mouths would drop to the floor, ears would be in shock, minds would be reeling.

yes, it’s that entertaining.

they are curious & questioning & sometimes desperate for answers all while i can provide very little enlightenment.

they have an insatiable drive.

 

in case you’re curious: Jack wants a brother so he can show him how to be a big boy, teach him to be a soccer goalkeeper & how to play uncle andrew in chess and win. he wants another guy in the house because he’s stuck with Abigail & i (although, some days he’ll count Boden & Henry, our labrador retrievers… but, i would imagine that he still feels out-numbered). of course on the other hand, Abigail wants a little baby sister IN-THE-WORST-WAY!!!!! and yes, she says it just like that and typically with one hand on her hip and the other moving around in the air. blunt delivery. every time. i wonder if deep down she feels as though i can magically perform said duties as a single mama and promptly comply with her request to provide her with a baby sister. after all, she does believe that i can do anything!

if nothing, it’s been a great opportunity to discuss the best way to add to our family…

either A:

i must quickly begin dating, consider getting married within the next few years, get pregnant, have a baby, wait a year… have another baby (after all, i am not raising an “only” child… i know far too much about birth order!  {sorry, not sorry: to the “only child” or “younger than several years than the rest of the siblings” children reading this post… it wasn’t your fault. blame it on your parents!!})… by then Jack will be nearly 11 and Abigail will be 9. will they even have interest in babies by then or hate me eternally for ruining their lives?! who can really know?!

or B:

of course, we could adopt. however, i am 100% certain that i am currently a wonder-mama that can manage 2 growing kiddos on my own that have been my full responsibility nearly since the day they were born… but >>> if we’re adding kids, we need a co-parent of some kind. because THIS IS ALREADY NUTS! haha.

or C:

encourage my brother to have more children and move closer  —>> not sure he’ll want to comply to this one!

this baby topic naturally flows into the “when is God going to get us a new dad?” to which i chuckle… only to try and hide the tears that can quickly begin streaming down my face. i work hard to provide a truthful response while not knowing at all what God has in store for us. we talk about how God could be fine-grooming the man that He is calling into our lives… or that God looks at us 3 and feels we are complete and may not provide a man to participate as a husband or father in our lives… or maybe the many men, my brothers and dad that are already involved in helping me raise these kids and teach them to fish, show Jack to hold doors for women, compliment Abigail so she feels as beautiful as she is; maybe this is enough.

a few days ago this all changed when Jack looked at me from across the kitchen bar with a quizzical look on his face while i was preparing dinner and he and his sister were finishing their homework.

“what’s up bub?” i say in response to the look.

with his emotions in check and a glaze over his eyes he pummels us with his heart, “i want a new dad. i don’t think it’s fair that i don’t have a dad that lives with us. he could take me camping. he could go to those dance’s with abigail. he could give you a break sometimes. mom, it would be okay if he gave you a break. you deserve one. you know, just a good man that wants to be around us. we’re really cool kids.”

without a single hesitation abigail blurts out, “but Jack… WE HAVE A DAD!”

“no we don’t abigail. he is NOT our dad.” as he cuts his eyes to her and then back to me.

i’m silent.

abigail continues.

“God is our dad. it even says so in the Bible. He says to call him Abba. Father. He is our daddy. He doesn’t lie or sin or forget about us. The Bible says that God is always with us. always and always… right mom?”

 

 

oh, my trembling hands and weary heart rejoice. the joy, the servanthood, the hard and long winding path of being a single mom in such a self-destructive and self-satisfying world. the heaviness, the burden that seems unbearable. that i must choose daily to walk with Jesus so He can make my path straight and my burden light. in these moments, i can see the pure holiness, the work of the Holy Spirit wrecking their sin nature and transforming them, molding them, remaking them into children of the King. i pour out an overwhelming thankfulness to God for choosing them, selecting them… they were born with a purpose to do greatness and i am humbled and honored that God chose me to be their mama.

 

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