Once the wedding bells have rung, the party is over, and the gifts have found their places in the home, marriage becomes a lifelong lesson in developing oneness. That is God intention; for us to become one. And as beautiful as that sounds, and as much as we want that on our wedding day, the journey to really get there can be long and hard. Why? Because there is so much required to make two selfish-natured individuals into one. Each must die to themselves in certain ways. They must learn to put the needs of another before their own. They must also develop skills in communication, hash out roles & responsibilities, come to agreements on how to handle money and begin to develop their own language of sexual communication to build the intimacy that oneness requires.
It is these areas that the second half of our Marriage Preparation Class focuses on…what skills are required in order to walk this road to oneness?
- Authentic Communication – The major skills of communication that are covered in our curriculum book are listening, resolving conflict and forgiveness. All are very important for life and marriage provides the perfect opportunity to work on these skills. We typically supplement this topic by introducing the couples to Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages (check out the book or take an online quiz) and additional resources on conflict resolution taught by Dr. Les & Leslie Parrot, which I covered in a previous article.
Our experience with learning the love languages is something we always share with our Marriage Prep class. Two and a half years into our marriage, we came close to calling it quits. As we learned about the five love languages and used that new knowledge to reflect on our troublesome times, we found that we were completely speaking foreign languages to each other in the love department, leaving each of us feeling empty and unloved. Not because we weren’t trying to love each other, but because we weren’t doing it in a way that communicated love to the other. This book was transformational for our relationship, and I highly recommend to all couples at any point of their relationship!
- Roles & Responsibilities – Many aspects of marriage today are greatly influenced by our culture, including the roles of husbands and wives. The cultural message seems to push that it is somehow wrong to have roles in marriage, particularly those “traditional” roles that were played out in previous generations. However, there is no roleless marriage. Each marriage will begin to develop a structure of roles and responsibilities that are taken on by each spouse. Many conflicts can arise as newly married couples figure this out. Each will come to the wedding day with expectations and their own “view” of how this marriage will look, but many don’t actually discuss these prior to marriage. We try to make sure couples consider how their family background, expectations, and views on gender differences will play into their marital roles.
This section of the class always generates some good discussion. We address that culturally-attacked and totally misunderstood command by God for wives to “submit” to their husbands. What a bad translation. Our English word does not convey what God is trying to say here and it seems the second half of this command for husbands to “love your wife as Christ loves the Church” is completely forgotten or misunderstood as well. I had always strived to be independent, self-sufficient, never vulnerable, just like many young girls raised by divorced Moms. This lead me to believe that the best marriage would be where I could do my thing and Dave could do his, but that isn’t oneness at all. As I’ve matured in my walk with God and educated myself on His command to “submit”, I’ve come to understand it better. God is not asking me to trust Dave completely, but to trust Him completely. Submitting to my husband is not like a dog submitting to a master. Instead I’ve always described it as how you learn to float in water…you have to relax, let go and trust the water will hold you up….or you will sink.
- Money – Nothing will test a couple’s oneness quite like money, which is why finances are one of the leading causes of divorce. It is not the lack of finances that lead to martial breakdown, but how money is handled, how financial decisions are made and the way in which these things are communicated within the relationship. The biggest thing we try to express to our not-yet-newlyweds is that financial discussions are really spiritual discussions. Our attitudes and actions around money offer a clear view into our hearts, and God didn’t leave us alone to figure this all out. He offers us more warnings, wisdom and writings regarding money than any other topic.
Early in our faith and in our relationship, God really began to show Himself to us in this area. We were struggling to save money to put towards the upcoming wedding costs. Dave is great with numbers and had everything figured out…how much things would cost and what we needed to save each month to get us there. Yet each month the paychecks would dry up before the wedding well was fed. It was at that time that Dave took a step of faith, followed the leading of God and stopped worrying about how to save the money and instead started giving it away. He began by sending financial support to a local Christian radio station that we’d both begun to listen to more regularly. It was a small step, but God revealed Himself in a big way. We were able to pay all of our wedding costs on the big day without taking on any debt. Giving away more when we were trying to save more? Sounds backwards right? That is just the way God works.
- Intimacy – Sex is not just an act, but a process of intimate communication that is essential in creating oneness. I spent a whole month on this topic back in July. Please check out my posts on “The Importance of Sex” and “Too Pooped to Whoop”. Another book we highly recommend to couples is Sheet Music by Kevin Leman and you can see a book review done by FLT Editor Aimee and her husband here.
These types of skills are not mastered in an 8-week Marriage Preparation course. They are learned over a lifetime. Mastering these skills takes years of practice and a willingness to continue to learn and grow. Dave and I are on a constant journey to obtain wisdom & knowledge that we can apply to our marriage. Whether reading a new book, attending marriage conferences or signing up for marriage courses offered in our church, we see ourselves as constant students…of both God’s design for marriage and of each other. What a joyous endeavor it can be to discover your spouse and be discovered all at the same time!
What have been your experiences in mastering these skills in your marriage?
What transformational things has God taught you along the way?
We should all be {back to school} on marriage for a lifetime!
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